Healing is hard.
For me the hardest part of my healing journey has been putting what I found to help me into continuous action. To replace old harmful habits, with new healthy ones. To catch myself before falling into old patterns, that cause pain, but they are so familiar. Familiarity always gave me security and a sense of control and in that way my pain always felt like home. It has been incredibly hard to choose differently in those situations. But what I learned with time is, that I a) always felt better long term b) paved new pathways in my brain that made those decisions easier with every time and c) most importantly: Fear is okay, I can feel the fear but I do not have to let the fear hold me back. Choosing new healthy habits and actions has made me stronger every time. Now choosing myself is really easy on good days and still really hard on the bad ones, but now I know I have the strength. I have proven myself enough times that I can do it, so I do it and I heal.